I just bought this super-fun book called "The Complete Guide to Writing Fiction and Non-Fiction (and getting published)" If you like Strunk and White, you'll like this. It's not a formula, but it takes real literature and Aristotle (my hero) and puts it into a guide to writing good fiction. It has exercises at the end of each chapter, and this one is an exercise in viewpoint. I'm supposed to write a sketch of a character in third person focusing on one consciousness. Here it is:
Krystal Douglas slid two shimmering legs out of the taxi and pointed her glossy toes as she paid the driver. It felt good to stretch her legs after the long ride. Snapping her silk-lined wallet shut, she dropped it in her patent-leather bag. Her newly-stretched legs tingled with excitement as she smoothed her mini-skirt over her rotund thighs. She buzzed Fred’s apartment. The speaker box did a fuzzy impersonation of her lover’s voice.
“Yes?”
“It’s me! Can I come up?” She unconsciously flipped her self-highlighted hair as she asked.
“Door’s open.” He replied, and the box was silent again.
Krystal took the stairs because she was trying to lose weight. On achieving the second floor, she decided to get in the elevator. Fred lived on the fifth floor.
She couldn't help reflecting that it would be her apartment soon. As soon as he divorced that old bat. She knocked twice on the door, and then let herself in.
“Fred?” The familiar icy prickles of fear ran through her. What if she’s here? Krystal thought. Every time he didn’t greet her at the door, Krystal wondered if they were about to get caught. As exciting as it would be to watch the scenario, it still scared her. She heard water running in the bathroom.
OK, so that's all for this one, I was also toying with using symbolism as characterization. Hence all the references to shiny fakeness when describing Krystal. I dunno, was it overdone? Is it a good hook?
4 comments:
I was being brought in pice by pice trying to visual the character. It set up a lot of questions to be answered. Good job - you can go in a lot of different directions with this.
I think you have some excellent descriptions. "Fuzzy impersonation of her lover's voice" was my favorite, although "rotund thighs" was a close second.
I was a bit over-whelmed with falseness imagery by the time I got to pantent-leather bag. It seemed a bit much to me, all those descriptions coming so close on top of one another. They all paint the picture of her, however, so maybe you could spread them out somehow...?
A couple of things made me wonder:
Are her toe nails glossy, like with nail polish, or are the shoes she is wearing glossy?
Wouldn't she get her hair done instead of doing it herself? the phrase "self-highlighted" struck me as incongruous with the rest of her. Unless you are trying to portray that she is trying to be something she can't quite afford, in which case, this is perfect. If so, maybe even drop other hints, like maybe the leather bag is fake, or a knock-off Kate Spade.
Lastly, why is she worried that they will get caught if Fred allowed her to come up? Why would he do that if his wife were there? Or is the point that there is no worry, but because it is exciting, she feels some anxiety anyway?
Overall, I think it is a good character sketch of Krystal. I definitely got her fakeness. And it makes me wonder what will happen next, and how all this came to be in the first place. And what Fred looks like. Is he also rotund? Perhaps portly? Can't wait to see!
Thanks for the feedback. I got a little crazy with the shiny stuff (it's a pervasive habit). I'll tweak some details, and I think you hit on the big flaw of the sketch in that I wasn't giving enough hints that she was trying harder than her resources permit to look attractive. So yes, self-highlighted hair is important, and I need to follow through with that. As for the Fred questions, you'll just have to wait for his character sketch :)
Ha! I like how you portrayed an important part of her character by having her give up on the stairs after the first flight.
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