Viewpoint exercise #2

Assignment: Write a love scene consciously using the effaced narrator in any one of the third-person modes.

I chose an effaced narrator as a fixed point of view focusing on externals alone. Like watching a play. I must objectively report the action and perhaps infer emotions through external actions. So while this is a continuation of the story, the viewpoint has changed.


Krystal clutched her bag close and tip-toed to the door of the bathroom. She stood very close, with her ear cocked as if listening. Suddenly the door flew open and she was nose to neck with Fred. With a quick gasp, Krystal took a stumbling half-step back.
“Oh,” she stammered, “am I interrupting something?”
Fred had a dark blue towel tucked around his flat stomach slick with damp black hair. Beneath dark bristly eyebrows his black eyes crackled with desire. He seized her shoulders with more than the customary violence and pulled her to him in a moist, sticky embrace. She arched her neck back to receive his kisses, smiling the relaxed, open smile of an appreciated mistress. Opening her eyes, she stared through the doorway behind him and started to scream. Fred pressed her face down into his shoulder, half-smothering her.
“Hey, shut up,” He hissed.
Krystal continued to struggle. He dragged her over to the couch and dropped her on it. She bawled out great heaving cries, hiding her tears behind her hands. She had stopped screaming.
“What’s the big idea?” He drawled over her tears. “I thought you wanted it like this. Didn’t ya? I mean, c’mon you started it all.”